A Spaced Odyssey

Well... Not really anywhere to go after that. If you weren't depressed before, reading that last post will almost certainly fix that immediately. I can hardly be blamed. After all what else could I have had to do for 28 mind numbing hours of duty?

I had but to sit here and contemplate the complexity and misery that is my life. Life, or something like it. Is it indeed I that alienate my friends and family? What is it about me that hates to be alone and lonely, and yet consistently pushes those close to me away? Is it me with the problem? Do I expect too much?

Damn I need a new career. A new life. I'm tired of this now, I want what I see everyone else having... What I see on TV. I've worked hard, since I was about 12 years old. I've always had plans and dreams. I chose what I thought to be a noble profession. Don't I deserve a break? Its not that I don't like hard work, or that I am somehow averse to working. It's that I'm tired of working so hard for nothing.

I just want to have some good friends, someone to love, and a place to be together and unwind. I don't know that I can honestly say that I have ever had real, lifelong friendships. Whether it be due to geographic separation, or growing apart from those I have called friends. I don't seem to maintain these relationships. I am terrible about maintaining contact in any form. Hence the sporadic postings here in this blog.

On the other hand, on closer scrutiny, I believe I can count on one hand the number of "friends" that make attempts to contact me, or have contacted me with any regularity. Why should it be solely my responsibility to do all the reaching out? Why cant someone try harder to let me know that they care and are thinking of me? Hell, the only relatives that maintain regular contact with me are my mother and father!

My brothers and sisters don't even make attempts to contact me. Not even when my first daughter was born, with all the medical complications and resulting lifelong issues occurred did anyone other than my mother and father contact me. To this day, they solely keep in touch. What sort of life is this? I'm a hermit surrounded at arms length by a million people.

A recluse in a sea of people to whom I am apparently invisible. How very odd a status. Perhaps when my children are of age they will choose to maintain regular and frequent contact and conversation. Or perhaps I am doomed to live on the internet, talking occasionally to "friends" who I will never actually meet, and who may not be at all the way I perceive them to be.

I need coffee, a shower.... And sleep. I am totally a freak. (That could be where it all starts right there)

Depression

My apologies for inserting this post where chapter 1 should be, but the circumstances of my life require it.

Depression. A condition which seems to grip me at odd times especially when I begin to think of my life in general and where it is or isn't going.

Of the many things there are in my life, there are a few people that hold a high place there, and completely and daily affect my mental state. These people are the women in my life. Why this is I cant say for certain, I know only that it is so.

My Mother; I love her so, but I haven't ever felt that the two of us were ever very close, and I wish that we could be. Sometimes I can talk with her for hours, and other times we simply cant relate. Why do I not feel close to my family?

My Daughters; I can only hope that we can become and remain close throughout our lives. I want nothing more then to be able to have dinner with them when I am old, and to hear them call me "Daddy" even when I'm 80. I love you girls. (Of course I love my boys too, but this is about the women in my life)

Michele; what was it that made you hate me? Why couldn't we make it work? I don't know that I can ever be successful in love again, you were far to big a part of me. From November 2003 until April 2004, I called every two weeks... Sometimes weekly. To hear your voice, your laugh... To hear the kids. To try to let you know I care.

From November 2003 until September 2004... Not a single phone call from you. Why? I cant understand. I realize it was over long before I deployed to Korea, I realize that I haven't ever made you happy. I think I held on in the hopes that things would work themselves out. I'm so sorry I ruined your life. I just wanted the best for you and the kids.

Lacey; There aren't enough virtual pages to cover the things in my mind and heart when it comes to you. My closest and dearest, and best of friends. Anything and everything I could share with you, and your advice I could always easily take. You are something that can never be, and because of that, I can never fully become who I was meant to be. I will never be complete.

Heidi; from grade school age to high school, during countless hours of Sunday School, children's church, AWANA, JVs and youth group functions. From the day I was mortified and elated simultaneously when you called me Studmuffin in front of my father at the pool party. You were the one... You would have been the one... We grew up together, I thought I could never love anyone so much. What happened?

Missy; After Heidi, after two years of deciding women were far to painful to attempt to give oneself to, I met you. You were amazing. It didn't take long at all before I knew. I immediately formulated a plan, I knew what I had to do, and what was necessary to properly care for you for a life time. I had it all worked out in my head. The Army, establish a career and income, come back for you and ask for your hand. Take care of you. Perfect!

You're with my best friend? Christ, what was that about? I am so stupid and naive! How could I have missed that one? I introduced the two of you for the love of god. Concentrate on my career, never look back. I hope he cares for you the way I would be still. Whoa, 2003 - ten years later, you're back again! My heart remembers you. My mind loathes you... Still I cant keep myself from speaking to you.

I want to tell you so many things. How much I hurt, how much I hate you. I want to scream at you, and cuss at you. To tell you what you did to me. To say all the things I didn't say then.

I want to tell you how much I loved you.

December 2004 - Gone again... Intermittent replies to my blog. April 2005 - haven't spoken in months... Somewhere like 5 or 6 months. Gone again. Lost you twice in one lifetime. I'm a sap. I'm destroyed.

Sarah; an amazing and wonderful girl, someone whom I never gave a chance either out of my own stupidity and fear, or perhaps blindness. Something that never was, again because of me. A dear friend, but a regret because of what might have been nonetheless. Can you forgive me? I wish only for your happiness.

Isabell; the brightest and most amazing woman I have never met. Both of us trapped in the mire that is our lives, and both of us working desperately to make a way out. Talking to you keeps me sane, and gives me a reason to press on. I hope one day to meet you, and I hope that we can be as close in person. I feel a bond with you, maybe because of our combined intellect, and stimulating conversation, or maybe because of your ability to express yourself in written word. If having met you was the only thing I was ever to have successfully done with the Internet, it would have been completely worth it. I know no one like you. (Id like to retain you immediately when you pass the bar)

Maricar; We've only just met. Already I can see that I quite possibly may be willing to pin my entire future on you. I think that I am a hopeless romantic, and I blame my parents for the quaint notion of how relationships should be. Can I make it work... That is the question. Having been married so long, I do have a tremendous amount of apprehension about trying anything again.

It's certainly all me, and I'm not sure how to correct it. At times I think I should seek counseling before attempting to get involved again. Please don't be offended if I want to take things slowly. I want and need to be completely sure, but more importantly I need YOU to be completely sure. I certainly hope I live up to your expectations, because if we are to go anywhere, I don't wish to begin by letting you down straight away.

In 30 years of life that is my complete history for what its worth. A series of failures, or things that cant be, or never were. How grotesque and depressing am I? I cant even get people to regularly read and comment on my blog. That is something far less consequential than a long term relationship with another human being.

Perhaps I should just buy a dog?? Unconditional love, that's what they say isn't it? I'm in misery because I don't and have never felt close to my family... Even my children. The women that I really gave my entire being to, didn't exactly return the favor, and so I think now I'm nothing more than damaged goods.

I just really don't know where to go from here because I cant even find solace in my career anymore. I truly have nothing, and its lonely out here. Its quite true what they say about the physical needs of a man, however it far more difficult a thing to give in to those desires when ones heart is where mine is. Mine is far from home.

Does anyone know a good therapist? I really think there are some things I need to discuss. Its lonely here, and it isn't getting better. I want someone to come home to.

Singularity

Prologue

Man, a most resilient and flexible creature. Adaptable to so many forms of stimulus, whether physical or mental. Being able to overcome extremes of nature and other adversities by applying the power of his mind, or in some cases physical strength. Through cunning and ingenuity, man can invent, create, protect, escape, and even destroy. It is this adaptability, this flexibility that makes him so strong. In fact, what makes him so very weak.

One needs only to study man's history on this planet to learn the extent of man's capabilities, and potential. If one was to research the brief history of man, one could not help but to notice the tremendous flexibility and capacity to overcome adversity and achieve. You will see man's drive to explore and create, and his innate ability to solve the most complex of problems. His drive to compete, to acquire, to mass lands and property to signify wealth.

This drive to acquire and compete created a new breed of man, a new world. This world would become one of tribes and wars. Of conquerors and of the conquered. A world that bred leaders, and a world in which wars and fighting became a practiced and learned art. A world of schools, and higher forms of learning.

This world advanced man ever more rapidly, giving way to the creation of laws, and movement towards established centralized governments, and away from the tribal feuding. Trade between nations was established, and the era of emissaries and politics was born. Of this was born borders and nations. Routes of trade, lanes of shipping. More to protect, more laws to make, more alliances to be established.

The ability of man to ally and create nations, work to create and protect, and to help his fellow man, proved to be one of his greatest strengths. It also proved to be one of his greatest weaknesses. You see man was also averse to difference. With borders and nations came secrets, and lies. With differences in people and culture came hate and destruction.

Established nations and governments chose to oppress and drive out those cultures and peoples differed from those holding seats of power. Genocide occurred on a large scale in many places throughout history. This prevented man from fully cooperating on a global scale, and working as one in sharing all things, especially knowledge and discovery.

This aversion to sharing is easily traceable to man's desire to compete. To have or create that which gives him the edge, the power, over other men. To hold this knowledge, the invention, the skills, and keep it from others. All in an effort to place himself, or his particular people in a position of power. To protect and hold knowledge that could better humanity for the sole selfish purpose of retaining or gaining power and authority over others.

Suppose for a moment that man was not solely the stockholder of these traits. The drive and desire to compete. To conquer and acquire. To make war and hold lands and properties. The drive to invent and discover, and to practice and study war.

Suppose for a moment that man had for many years collected many different bits of knowledge on this supposition, and yet kept it close, thereby preventing pieces of a larger puzzle to be assembled. Nations hiding discoveries made over the periods of years, in earlier times completely misunderstood, and yet recorded all the same.

It could be that this weakness of man, this fear of that which is different could be his undoing. This selfishness, the proclivity for secrecy and subterfuge could cause his demise. It is said that knowledge is power, so one could deduce that shared and combined knowledge is a formidable thing. Even more formidable it would seem, is man's tendency to hide things from each other.

Those learned among men, those who devote their lives to study, to science, to history, have realized the need to share. They have long since realized the futility of neglecting to share new ideas and technologies. Discovering that by sharing information, knowledge, and technologies, advancements that benefit all of man progress that much faster.

Thusly, these scholars formed unified world bodies, in an attempt to unite and equally represent all people. In turn these world bodies formed councils and committees to investigate and resolve various crisis around the world. These bodies, wrought with politics and personal agendas, rarely affected real change and sharing.

Instead these bodies often created animosity towards this party or that. This gave way to more councils, committees and, in order to investigate and assuage bitterness brought about by the findings of the previous committees. It became a never-ending cycle of committees and meetings, councils and resolutions. A tremendous lumbering Bureaucracy, largely impotent. A system driven by good intentions, and the agendas of those in power.

Even while like-minded nations formed treaties, shared trade, and conducted joint and cooperative military exercises, these same nations kept great secrets from each other. These nations shared such things as intelligence, and security information. They shared weapons and other technologies. They shared agricultural and medical breakthroughs, and their applications.

In spite of all the treaties, sharing, and years of "friendship," still were kept secret the gravest of security threats. Information that went far beyond influencing the security and prosperity of one nation. Information that nearly all nations maintained and had recorded, but information that was shared with none. Knowledge of contact, of capabilities and the nature of the threat. Knowledge of an impending action against all of man rather than a particular nation.

Each nation holding a small piece of a larger puzzle. Pieces that while apart meant nothing by themselves. Pieces that if brought together might provide a larger understanding, and the capability to help humanity. A means to provide some understanding of what was about to befall man. A way to deal with and survive it.

The more advanced and learned a society becomes, the further from war and destruction they will turn. At least that was the supposition of scientists the world over. And it was wrong… So incredibly flawed a way of thinking as to blind the governments of the world. No one was looking to the skies for anything other than exploration, and the dream of peaceful contact with some advanced civilization.

The contact with an advanced civilization would come indeed. Could man survive it. That would be the question. Could man overcome his own nature to defend against what was in effect his own nature? Could man successfully battle his own will?

Totally fezzed up

Ok, so I attempted to post the prologue several times, each failing more miserably than the next, and then I discovered something... I'm taking entirely to long and the blog is timing out. (I think) In any event, I will again attempt to make this happen, however the next time I will type it to word, then copy and paste it here.

This is for the better anyway, since it is long past the time when I should have been saving these things and compiling them on the hard drive, in the unlikely event that I am ever to be published. Procrastination is a mother.

Ok folks, once again stand by!

SNAFU

It may have been noticed that briefly there was a title and some brief acknowledgements posted here earlier this morning. I had actually typed and posted the prologue of my novel, but in the process of uploading, something happened during the transfer. Hence I lost the entire post, and will have to begin again.

Bear with me I intend to have it reposted again today! Thanks a bunch.

Format Change

For several years now I have been something of an amateur writer. Until about 3 years ago, I had been writing simply as a means to release stress, and otherwise get out thoughts and feelings, or whatever else needed getting out. Bearing this in mind, I have decided to attempt a slight format change for my blog.

This change is in part due to the 3 fans I might possibly have reading the blog, and in part to facilitate more frequent updates than I have been providing. Hopefully the format change will also providing some more interesting content then the previously politically laden, military careerist rantings that I had been providing.

Until very recently, I had been writing solely for my own personal viewing and I suppose mental health, maintaining most of my short stories and other writings either on my hard drive, or the various notebooks I had been filling up with my scribbled notes and other jottings.

After finally allowing a select few to read some of my work, and after having been praised for my writing style here to some degree, I decided to attempt to put some of my stories down here on my blog. Perhaps this will draw readers, or perhaps it will get me committed!

In a perfect world, things will go well here, and perhaps I will get noticed by a publisher. In a not so perfect world, I'll get noticed and black listed... Well, there's always and forever blogging right?

Please stay tuned and feel free to comment on what you see here!