Hello Old Friend

Hello old friend. I've been away for quite some time. I think it's time we get re-acquainted. I do so enjoy writing, however sometimes it is just so very difficult to be inspired. 

I find myself once again at a dark place in my life. The world is collapsing in on me and I'm lost. I'm out of options and out of ideas. I don't think and reason as well as I once did. I think I really need to see someone again. I so hate all the pills they always put me on. I so hate reliving every single detail of those traumas in my life that they say they are trying to help me with.

If they are helping me, then why do I feel so terrible? If these medications are supposed to improve one's quality of life, then why do I feel so detached and lethargic? 

My financial life is collapsing. The months and years of juggling have now succumbed to the attrition of numbers. The current set of circumstances has me second guessing my decision to retire from the military. I found a full time job, finally after months of searching. Sadly it pays less than a third of what I was making as a Senior Non commissioned Officer. I am once again at the complete bottom of the food chain. 

I created an account on one of those fund raising or charity type websites. I don't know if that will work or help at all. I do know I have no other options at this point. It was the most difficult, most embarrassing thing I have done. I don't know what else to do. I tried the bank. I tried to get a loan to consolidate. My credit is far to poor for that. The reality is that would have been simply taking my debt and combining it into a single large debt. 

What I need is a job that pays enough to live on. Unfortunately contrary to popular belief and contrary to what the Army would have you believe as you are transitioning out, military skills, training and experience are not at all in demand or desirable. As nearly as I can tell anyway. 

So I have a stable, 40 hour a week job and I still cant pay my bills or live like a human being. It's a vicious cycle. I have to work to survive, I cant survive by working. I cant afford to finish school, both financially and time wise. Finishing school is no guarantee of better employment in the present climate. 

In any event, without another outlet for venting, I find myself back here. It's funny how things happen I suppose. So here I am writing, hoping beyond hope for charity and counting on the kindness of others. Mind you all the while still working. It's very disheartening to work so hard and have nothing to show for it. 

I promised my wife I would take care of her, and we'd get a house of our own... I promised to care for my children. The desire and drive is there. I haven't stopped trying. The opportunity seems to be avoiding me. I am not trying to be rich or famous, I am simply trying to be able to live comfortably. By comfortably I mean pay my utilities, bills and obligations, afford groceries and still be able to take my wife to the movies or out to dinner a couple of times a month. 

So, in an effort to wrestle back control and to prevent my wages being garnished, putting me even deeper into an unrecoverable hole, I set this up: http://fundly.com/new-start-for-a-veteran

I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I don't know if it's a good thing to do. I don't even know if it will work. All I know is I don't know what else there is for me to do. I have nothing I can sell. I have no property of value. I have been trying my best to get a second job. I have been applying for better paying jobs. I need a miracle. 

Now that you the innocent surfer has suffered through this depressing tome, I will say that I hope to begin writing again. Hopefully it will be far more cheery and inspiring material. Stay tuned for more.