Depression
My apologies for inserting this post where chapter 1 should be, but the circumstances of my life require it.
Depression. A condition which seems to grip me at odd times especially when I begin to think of my life in general and where it is or isn't going.
Of the many things there are in my life, there are a few people that hold a high place there, and completely and daily affect my mental state. These people are the women in my life. Why this is I cant say for certain, I know only that it is so.
My Mother; I love her so, but I haven't ever felt that the two of us were ever very close, and I wish that we could be. Sometimes I can talk with her for hours, and other times we simply cant relate. Why do I not feel close to my family?
My Daughters; I can only hope that we can become and remain close throughout our lives. I want nothing more then to be able to have dinner with them when I am old, and to hear them call me "Daddy" even when I'm 80. I love you girls. (Of course I love my boys too, but this is about the women in my life)
Michele; what was it that made you hate me? Why couldn't we make it work? I don't know that I can ever be successful in love again, you were far to big a part of me. From November 2003 until April 2004, I called every two weeks... Sometimes weekly. To hear your voice, your laugh... To hear the kids. To try to let you know I care.
From November 2003 until September 2004... Not a single phone call from you. Why? I cant understand. I realize it was over long before I deployed to Korea, I realize that I haven't ever made you happy. I think I held on in the hopes that things would work themselves out. I'm so sorry I ruined your life. I just wanted the best for you and the kids.
Lacey; There aren't enough virtual pages to cover the things in my mind and heart when it comes to you. My closest and dearest, and best of friends. Anything and everything I could share with you, and your advice I could always easily take. You are something that can never be, and because of that, I can never fully become who I was meant to be. I will never be complete.
Heidi; from grade school age to high school, during countless hours of Sunday School, children's church, AWANA, JVs and youth group functions. From the day I was mortified and elated simultaneously when you called me Studmuffin in front of my father at the pool party. You were the one... You would have been the one... We grew up together, I thought I could never love anyone so much. What happened?
Missy; After Heidi, after two years of deciding women were far to painful to attempt to give oneself to, I met you. You were amazing. It didn't take long at all before I knew. I immediately formulated a plan, I knew what I had to do, and what was necessary to properly care for you for a life time. I had it all worked out in my head. The Army, establish a career and income, come back for you and ask for your hand. Take care of you. Perfect!
You're with my best friend? Christ, what was that about? I am so stupid and naive! How could I have missed that one? I introduced the two of you for the love of god. Concentrate on my career, never look back. I hope he cares for you the way I would be still. Whoa, 2003 - ten years later, you're back again! My heart remembers you. My mind loathes you... Still I cant keep myself from speaking to you.
I want to tell you so many things. How much I hurt, how much I hate you. I want to scream at you, and cuss at you. To tell you what you did to me. To say all the things I didn't say then.
I want to tell you how much I loved you.
December 2004 - Gone again... Intermittent replies to my blog. April 2005 - haven't spoken in months... Somewhere like 5 or 6 months. Gone again. Lost you twice in one lifetime. I'm a sap. I'm destroyed.
Sarah; an amazing and wonderful girl, someone whom I never gave a chance either out of my own stupidity and fear, or perhaps blindness. Something that never was, again because of me. A dear friend, but a regret because of what might have been nonetheless. Can you forgive me? I wish only for your happiness.
Isabell; the brightest and most amazing woman I have never met. Both of us trapped in the mire that is our lives, and both of us working desperately to make a way out. Talking to you keeps me sane, and gives me a reason to press on. I hope one day to meet you, and I hope that we can be as close in person. I feel a bond with you, maybe because of our combined intellect, and stimulating conversation, or maybe because of your ability to express yourself in written word. If having met you was the only thing I was ever to have successfully done with the Internet, it would have been completely worth it. I know no one like you. (Id like to retain you immediately when you pass the bar)
Maricar; We've only just met. Already I can see that I quite possibly may be willing to pin my entire future on you. I think that I am a hopeless romantic, and I blame my parents for the quaint notion of how relationships should be. Can I make it work... That is the question. Having been married so long, I do have a tremendous amount of apprehension about trying anything again.
It's certainly all me, and I'm not sure how to correct it. At times I think I should seek counseling before attempting to get involved again. Please don't be offended if I want to take things slowly. I want and need to be completely sure, but more importantly I need YOU to be completely sure. I certainly hope I live up to your expectations, because if we are to go anywhere, I don't wish to begin by letting you down straight away.
In 30 years of life that is my complete history for what its worth. A series of failures, or things that cant be, or never were. How grotesque and depressing am I? I cant even get people to regularly read and comment on my blog. That is something far less consequential than a long term relationship with another human being.
Perhaps I should just buy a dog?? Unconditional love, that's what they say isn't it? I'm in misery because I don't and have never felt close to my family... Even my children. The women that I really gave my entire being to, didn't exactly return the favor, and so I think now I'm nothing more than damaged goods.
I just really don't know where to go from here because I cant even find solace in my career anymore. I truly have nothing, and its lonely out here. Its quite true what they say about the physical needs of a man, however it far more difficult a thing to give in to those desires when ones heart is where mine is. Mine is far from home.
Does anyone know a good therapist? I really think there are some things I need to discuss. Its lonely here, and it isn't getting better. I want someone to come home to.
Depression. A condition which seems to grip me at odd times especially when I begin to think of my life in general and where it is or isn't going.
Of the many things there are in my life, there are a few people that hold a high place there, and completely and daily affect my mental state. These people are the women in my life. Why this is I cant say for certain, I know only that it is so.
My Mother; I love her so, but I haven't ever felt that the two of us were ever very close, and I wish that we could be. Sometimes I can talk with her for hours, and other times we simply cant relate. Why do I not feel close to my family?
My Daughters; I can only hope that we can become and remain close throughout our lives. I want nothing more then to be able to have dinner with them when I am old, and to hear them call me "Daddy" even when I'm 80. I love you girls. (Of course I love my boys too, but this is about the women in my life)
Michele; what was it that made you hate me? Why couldn't we make it work? I don't know that I can ever be successful in love again, you were far to big a part of me. From November 2003 until April 2004, I called every two weeks... Sometimes weekly. To hear your voice, your laugh... To hear the kids. To try to let you know I care.
From November 2003 until September 2004... Not a single phone call from you. Why? I cant understand. I realize it was over long before I deployed to Korea, I realize that I haven't ever made you happy. I think I held on in the hopes that things would work themselves out. I'm so sorry I ruined your life. I just wanted the best for you and the kids.
Lacey; There aren't enough virtual pages to cover the things in my mind and heart when it comes to you. My closest and dearest, and best of friends. Anything and everything I could share with you, and your advice I could always easily take. You are something that can never be, and because of that, I can never fully become who I was meant to be. I will never be complete.
Heidi; from grade school age to high school, during countless hours of Sunday School, children's church, AWANA, JVs and youth group functions. From the day I was mortified and elated simultaneously when you called me Studmuffin in front of my father at the pool party. You were the one... You would have been the one... We grew up together, I thought I could never love anyone so much. What happened?
Missy; After Heidi, after two years of deciding women were far to painful to attempt to give oneself to, I met you. You were amazing. It didn't take long at all before I knew. I immediately formulated a plan, I knew what I had to do, and what was necessary to properly care for you for a life time. I had it all worked out in my head. The Army, establish a career and income, come back for you and ask for your hand. Take care of you. Perfect!
You're with my best friend? Christ, what was that about? I am so stupid and naive! How could I have missed that one? I introduced the two of you for the love of god. Concentrate on my career, never look back. I hope he cares for you the way I would be still. Whoa, 2003 - ten years later, you're back again! My heart remembers you. My mind loathes you... Still I cant keep myself from speaking to you.
I want to tell you so many things. How much I hurt, how much I hate you. I want to scream at you, and cuss at you. To tell you what you did to me. To say all the things I didn't say then.
I want to tell you how much I loved you.
December 2004 - Gone again... Intermittent replies to my blog. April 2005 - haven't spoken in months... Somewhere like 5 or 6 months. Gone again. Lost you twice in one lifetime. I'm a sap. I'm destroyed.
Sarah; an amazing and wonderful girl, someone whom I never gave a chance either out of my own stupidity and fear, or perhaps blindness. Something that never was, again because of me. A dear friend, but a regret because of what might have been nonetheless. Can you forgive me? I wish only for your happiness.
Isabell; the brightest and most amazing woman I have never met. Both of us trapped in the mire that is our lives, and both of us working desperately to make a way out. Talking to you keeps me sane, and gives me a reason to press on. I hope one day to meet you, and I hope that we can be as close in person. I feel a bond with you, maybe because of our combined intellect, and stimulating conversation, or maybe because of your ability to express yourself in written word. If having met you was the only thing I was ever to have successfully done with the Internet, it would have been completely worth it. I know no one like you. (Id like to retain you immediately when you pass the bar)
Maricar; We've only just met. Already I can see that I quite possibly may be willing to pin my entire future on you. I think that I am a hopeless romantic, and I blame my parents for the quaint notion of how relationships should be. Can I make it work... That is the question. Having been married so long, I do have a tremendous amount of apprehension about trying anything again.
It's certainly all me, and I'm not sure how to correct it. At times I think I should seek counseling before attempting to get involved again. Please don't be offended if I want to take things slowly. I want and need to be completely sure, but more importantly I need YOU to be completely sure. I certainly hope I live up to your expectations, because if we are to go anywhere, I don't wish to begin by letting you down straight away.
In 30 years of life that is my complete history for what its worth. A series of failures, or things that cant be, or never were. How grotesque and depressing am I? I cant even get people to regularly read and comment on my blog. That is something far less consequential than a long term relationship with another human being.
Perhaps I should just buy a dog?? Unconditional love, that's what they say isn't it? I'm in misery because I don't and have never felt close to my family... Even my children. The women that I really gave my entire being to, didn't exactly return the favor, and so I think now I'm nothing more than damaged goods.
I just really don't know where to go from here because I cant even find solace in my career anymore. I truly have nothing, and its lonely out here. Its quite true what they say about the physical needs of a man, however it far more difficult a thing to give in to those desires when ones heart is where mine is. Mine is far from home.
Does anyone know a good therapist? I really think there are some things I need to discuss. Its lonely here, and it isn't getting better. I want someone to come home to.
posted by Josh at 6:37 AM
4 Comments:
So much for anonymous posting and internet security eh? I was trying to protect not only my identity, but all the people mentioned in my post. Additionally, my understanding of blogging is a format to post my thoughts and feelings... The things that I have experienced. I meant no offense, but I do of course have a different perception of events. I apologize. Please in the future think about keeping anonymity.
By anonymity I mean, using my first name, along with posting a comment with your name, (the name you post with) Identifies all parties involved quite a bit more than I think any of us would like on the internet. Especially considering some of the military content I have placed here.
Thank you for the things you said about me. I wanted to say that you were brave for putting your feelings for these women in your life on the web. I can't admit my feelings for my lost loves to myself, much less to anyone to cares to read them.
FUKKENAY! You really put it OUT THERE for the world to see, dontcha'? Damn. I have mad RESPECT for what I just read. I REALLY, REALLY do. Honesty is always the best policy.
Thanks for that... it's nice to unexpectedly get clouted, so that you see EVERYTHING through new eyes, after the swirling stars and chirping birds disappear from around your head. *wink*
Keep on, keepin' on, brother.
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