A Spaced Odyssey
Well... Not really anywhere to go after that. If you weren't depressed before, reading that last post will almost certainly fix that immediately. I can hardly be blamed. After all what else could I have had to do for 28 mind numbing hours of duty?
I had but to sit here and contemplate the complexity and misery that is my life. Life, or something like it. Is it indeed I that alienate my friends and family? What is it about me that hates to be alone and lonely, and yet consistently pushes those close to me away? Is it me with the problem? Do I expect too much?
Damn I need a new career. A new life. I'm tired of this now, I want what I see everyone else having... What I see on TV. I've worked hard, since I was about 12 years old. I've always had plans and dreams. I chose what I thought to be a noble profession. Don't I deserve a break? Its not that I don't like hard work, or that I am somehow averse to working. It's that I'm tired of working so hard for nothing.
I just want to have some good friends, someone to love, and a place to be together and unwind. I don't know that I can honestly say that I have ever had real, lifelong friendships. Whether it be due to geographic separation, or growing apart from those I have called friends. I don't seem to maintain these relationships. I am terrible about maintaining contact in any form. Hence the sporadic postings here in this blog.
On the other hand, on closer scrutiny, I believe I can count on one hand the number of "friends" that make attempts to contact me, or have contacted me with any regularity. Why should it be solely my responsibility to do all the reaching out? Why cant someone try harder to let me know that they care and are thinking of me? Hell, the only relatives that maintain regular contact with me are my mother and father!
My brothers and sisters don't even make attempts to contact me. Not even when my first daughter was born, with all the medical complications and resulting lifelong issues occurred did anyone other than my mother and father contact me. To this day, they solely keep in touch. What sort of life is this? I'm a hermit surrounded at arms length by a million people.
A recluse in a sea of people to whom I am apparently invisible. How very odd a status. Perhaps when my children are of age they will choose to maintain regular and frequent contact and conversation. Or perhaps I am doomed to live on the internet, talking occasionally to "friends" who I will never actually meet, and who may not be at all the way I perceive them to be.
I need coffee, a shower.... And sleep. I am totally a freak. (That could be where it all starts right there)
I had but to sit here and contemplate the complexity and misery that is my life. Life, or something like it. Is it indeed I that alienate my friends and family? What is it about me that hates to be alone and lonely, and yet consistently pushes those close to me away? Is it me with the problem? Do I expect too much?
Damn I need a new career. A new life. I'm tired of this now, I want what I see everyone else having... What I see on TV. I've worked hard, since I was about 12 years old. I've always had plans and dreams. I chose what I thought to be a noble profession. Don't I deserve a break? Its not that I don't like hard work, or that I am somehow averse to working. It's that I'm tired of working so hard for nothing.
I just want to have some good friends, someone to love, and a place to be together and unwind. I don't know that I can honestly say that I have ever had real, lifelong friendships. Whether it be due to geographic separation, or growing apart from those I have called friends. I don't seem to maintain these relationships. I am terrible about maintaining contact in any form. Hence the sporadic postings here in this blog.
On the other hand, on closer scrutiny, I believe I can count on one hand the number of "friends" that make attempts to contact me, or have contacted me with any regularity. Why should it be solely my responsibility to do all the reaching out? Why cant someone try harder to let me know that they care and are thinking of me? Hell, the only relatives that maintain regular contact with me are my mother and father!
My brothers and sisters don't even make attempts to contact me. Not even when my first daughter was born, with all the medical complications and resulting lifelong issues occurred did anyone other than my mother and father contact me. To this day, they solely keep in touch. What sort of life is this? I'm a hermit surrounded at arms length by a million people.
A recluse in a sea of people to whom I am apparently invisible. How very odd a status. Perhaps when my children are of age they will choose to maintain regular and frequent contact and conversation. Or perhaps I am doomed to live on the internet, talking occasionally to "friends" who I will never actually meet, and who may not be at all the way I perceive them to be.
I need coffee, a shower.... And sleep. I am totally a freak. (That could be where it all starts right there)
posted by Josh at 3:47 PM
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